De Guide t'Seaf Cuntrol...

Standard Jive


distrib'ted by slap mah fro!...      LDS Church at Brigham Yung University
De  attude some mofo gots' tawd his problem gots an effect on how easily it be overcome. It be essential dat some firm commitment be made t'cuntrol de habit. Man! As some mofo dig its his reasons fo' de behavio', and be sensitive t'de condishuns o' situashuns dat may trigga' a desire fo' de act, he develops de powa' to cuntrol it. Man!

We  is taught dat our bodies is temples uh God, and are to be clean so's dat da damn Holy Ghost may dwell widin us. Masturbashun be a sinful habit dat robs one uh de Spirit and creates guilt and emoshunal stress. It be not physically harmful unless practiced in de 'estreme. It be a habit dat be totally self-centered, and secretive, and in no way 'espresses de propuh' use uh de procreative powa' given t'man to fulfill eternal purposes. It derefo'e separates some mofo fum God, and defeats de gospel plan. 'S coo', bro.

Dis self-gratifyin' activity gots'ta cause one t'lose his self-respect and feel guilty and depressed, which kin in de 'estreme lead t'furder sinnin'. As some mofo feels spiritually unclean, he loses interest in prayer, his testimony becomes weak, and missionary wo'k and oda' Church callin's become burdensome, offerin' no joy and limited success.

To  help in plannin' an effective honky code t'overcome de problem, some brief 'esplanashun be given uh how de reproductive o'gans in some yung man funcshun.

De  balls in yo' sack's  is all da time nakin' gobs uh millons uh reh-producin' cells called spuh'matozoa. WORD! Dese is moved down some tube called de vas deferens t'a place called da damn ampulla where dey is mixed wid fluids fum two membranous pouches called seminal vesicles and da damn prostate gland. De resultant fluid is called semen. 'S coo', bro. When de seminal vesicles is full some signal be sent t'de central nervous system indicatin' dey is ready t'be emptied. De rate at which dis fillin' snatch'd place varies greatly fum one mofo t'anoder, dependin' on such doodads as diet, 'esercise, state uh heald, etc. Co' got d' beat! Fo' some it may be several times some week, fo' oders twice some mond, and fo' oders hardly ever. Ah be baaad...

It  be no'mal fo' de vesicles t'be emptied occasionally at night durin' sleep. Jes hang loose, brud. Dis be called some "wet dream". De impulses dat cause de emptyin' mosey on down from de central nervous system. WORD! Often an erotic dream be 'sperienced at de same time, and be part uh de no'mal process. If some yung joker has constantly masturbated instead uh lettin' nature snatch its course, de reproductive system be opuh'tin' at some mo'e rapid pace, tryin' t'keep down wid de loss uh semen. 'S coo', bro. When he stops de habit, de body gots'ta continue t'produce at dis increased rate fo' an indefinite puh'iod uh time, creatin' sexual tensions and pressho' man. Dese is not harmful and is to be endured until de no'mal centrul nuh-fus sysem's alleyway uh release be once again established.

Durin' dis dere' puh'iod uh cuntrol several doodads kin be done t'make de process easia' and mo'e effective. As one meets widd they priesdood leader, some honky code fo' overcomin' masturbashun kin be implemented usin' some uh de suggesshuns which follow, so cut me some slack, Jack. Rememba' it be essential dat some reg'lar repo't honky code be agreed on, so's progress kin be recognized and failures understood and eliminated.


  1. Pray daily, ax' fo' de gifts uh de Spirit, dat which gots'ta strengden ya' against temptashun. Pray fervently and out loud when de temptashuns is de strongest. Man!
  2. Follow some honky code uh vigo'ous daily 'esercise. Dese 'esercises reduce emoshunal tensions and depression and is absolutely basic t'de solushun uh dis problem. WORD! Double yo' physical activity when ya' feel stress increasin'.
  3. When de temptashun t'masturbate be strong, yell stop t'dose doughts as loudly as ya' kin in yo' mind and den recite some pre-chosen scripture o' rap an inspirashunal hymn. 'S coo', bro. It be impo'tant t'turn yo' doughts away fum de selfish need t'indulge.
  4. Set goals uh abstinence, begin wid some day, den some week, mond, year, and fin'ly commit t'neva' hangin' it again. 'S coo', bro. Until ya' commit yo'self t'neva' again ya' gots'ta always be open t'temptashun.
  5. Change in behavio' and attitude be most easily achieved drough some changed self-image. Spend time every day imaginin' yo'self strong and in cuntrol, easily overcomin' temptin' situashuns.
  6. Begin t'wo'k daily on some self-improvement honky code. Relate dis plan t'improvin' yo' church service, t'improvin' yo' relashunships wid yo' family, God and oders. Strive t'enhance yo' strengds and talents.
  7. Be outgoin' and homeyly. Slap mah fro! Fo'ce yo'self t'be wid oders and learn t'enjoy wo'kin' and rapin' wid dem. WORD! Use principles uh developin' homeyships found in scribblin's such as How t'Win Cuddies and Influence mofos by Dale Carnegie.
  8. Be aware uh situashuns dat depress ya' o' dat cause ya' t'feel lonely, bo'ed, frustrated, o' discouraged. Dese emoshunal states kin trigga' de desire t'masturbate as some way uh escape. Plan in advance t'counta' dese low puh'iods drough various activities, such as eyeballin' some scribblin', visitin' some homey, hangin' sump'n adletic, etc. Co' got d' beat!
  9. Make some pocket calendar fo' some mond on some small card. Carry it wid ya', but show it t'no one. If ya' gots some lapse uh self-cuntrol colo' dat day brother. Yo' goal gots'ta be t'have no brother days. De calendar becomes some strong visual reminda' of self-cuntrol and should be looked at when ya' is tempted t'add anoda' black day. Slap mah fro! Keep yo' calendar down until ya' gots at least dree clear monds.
  10. A careful study gots'ta indicate ya' gots had da damn problem at certain times and under certain condishuns. Try and recall, in detail, whut yo' particular times and condishuns wuz. Now dat ya' dig it how it happens, plan t'bust de pattern drough counter-activities.
  11. In de field uh psychoderapy dere be a real effective technique called aversion derapy. Slap mah fro! When we associate o' dink uh sump'n real distasteful wid sump'n which has been pleasurable, but undesirable, de distasteful dought and feelin' gots'ta begin to kincel out dat which wuz pleasurable. If ya' associate sump'n real distasteful wid yo' loss uh self-cuntrol it gots'ta help ya' stop de act. Man! Fo' 'esample, if ya' is tempted t'masturbate dink uh havin' t'bade in some tub uh wo'ms, and feed da bud several uh dem as ya' do de act.
  12. Durin' yo' toilet and showa' activities leave da damn badroom doo' o' showa' curtain partly open, t'discourage bein' along in total privacy. Slap mah fro! Snatch waaay coo' brief showers.
  13. Arise immediately in de mo'nin's. Do not honky jibe in bed awake, no matta' whut time uh day it is. Get down and do sump'n. Start each day wid an endusiastic activity. Slap mah fro!
  14. Keep yo' bladda' empty. Slap mah fro! Refrain fum drinkin' large amounts uh fluids befo'e retirin'.
  15. Cut aiut da damn amount uh spices and condiments in yo' food. Y'all eat lightly as possible at night. Man!
  16. Wear pajamas dat is difficult t'open, yet loose and not bindin'.
  17. Avoid mofos, situashuns, pictures o' eyeballin' materials dat might create sexual 'sitement. Man!
  18. It be sometimes helpful t'have some physical object t'use in overcomin' dis problem. WORD! A Scribblin' uh Mo'mon, firmly held in hand, even in bed at night gots proven helpful in 'estreme cases.
  19. In real ugly cases it may be necessary t'tie some hand t'de bed frame wid some tie in o'da' dat da damn habit uh masturbatin' in some semi-sleep condishun kin be bugger'd. Dis kin also be accomplished by wearin' several layers uh clodin' which would be difficult to remove while half-asleep. Jes hang loose, brud.
  20. Set down some reward system fo' yo' successes. It duz not gots'ta be some big reward. A quarta' in some receptacle each time ya' overcome o' reach some goal. Spend it on sump'n which delights ya' and gots'ta be some continuin' reminda' of yo' progress.
  21. Do not let yo'self return t'any past habit o' attitude patterns which wuz part of yo' problem. WORD! Satan neva' gives down. Be calmly and confidently on guard. Keep some positive mental attitude. Y'all's kin win dis fight! Right on! De joy and strengd ya' gots'ta feel when ya' do gots'ta cut yo' whole life some radiant and spiritual glow uh satisfacshun and fulfillment. Man!


Be assho' mand dat ya' kin be cured uh yo' difficulty. Slap mah fro! Many gots been, bod male and dudette, and ya' kin be also if ya' determine dat it gots'ta be so. 'S coo', bro.

Dis determinashun be de fust step. Jes hang loose, brud. Dat be where we begin. 'S coo', bro. Y'all's gots'ta decide dat ya' gots'ta end dis practice, and when ya' make dat decision, de problem gots'ta be greatly reduced at once.

  1. But it gots'ta be mo'e dan some hope o' some wish, mo'e dan knowin' dat it be baaaad fo' ya'. It gots'ta be actually some DECISION. If ya' truly make down yo' mind dat ya' gots'ta be cured, den ya' gots'ta de strengd t'resist any tendencies which ya' may gots and any temptashuns which may mosey on down to ya'. Afta' ya' gots made dis decision, den observe da damn followin' specific guidelines, dig dis:
  1. Neva' touch de intimate parts uh yo' body 'espect durin' no'mal toilet processes.
  2. Avoid bein' alone as much as possible. Find baaaad company and stay in dis baaaad company. Slap mah fro!
  3. If ya' is associated wid oda' mofos havin' dis same problem, YOU GOTTA BREAK OFF DEY FRIENDSHIP. Neva' associate wid oda' mofos havin' de same weakness. Duzn't suppose dat two uh ya' gots'ta quit togeder, ya' neva' will. You gots'ta get away fum mofos uh dat kind. Just t'be in deir presence gots'ta keep yo' problem fo'emost in yo' mind. De problem gots'ta be snatchn OUT OF YOUR MIND fo' dat be where it real 'esists. Yo' mind gots'ta be on oda' and mo'e wholesome doodads.
  4. When ya' bade, do not admire yo'self in some mirro'. Neva' stay in de bad mo'e dan five o' six minutes--plum long enough t'bade and dry and dress AND THEN GET OUT OF DE BATHROOM into some room where ya' gots'ta some memba' of yo' family present. Man!
  5. When in bed, if dat be where ya' gots yo' problem fo' de most part, dress yo'self fo' de night so's securely dat ya' kinnot easily touch yo' vital parts, and so's dat it would be difficult and time consumin' fo' ya' t'remove dose clodes. By de time ya' started t'remove protective clodin', ya' would gots sufficiently cuntrolled yo' dinkin' dat da damn temptashun would leave ya'.
  6. If de temptashun seems overpowerin' while ya' is in bed, GET OUT OF BED AND GO INTO THE KITCHEN AND FIX YOOSEAF A SNACK, even if it be in de middle uh de night, and even if y'all's ain't no hungry, and despite yo' fears uh gainin' weight. Man! De purpose behind dis suggesshun be dat ya' GET YO' MIND OUN SOMETHING ELSE. You's change da damn subject uh yo' doughts, so's to rap.
  7. Neva' read po'nographic material. Neva' read about yo' problem. WORD! Keep it out uh yo' mind. Remember--"fust some dought, den an act. Man!" De dought pattern gots'ta be changed. Y'all's gots'ta not allow dis problem t'remain in yo' mind. When ya' accomplish dat, ya' soon gots'ta be free uh de act. Man!
  8. Put wholesome doughts into yo' mind at all times. Eyeball baaaad scribblin's--Church scribblin's-scriptures--sermons uh de bredren. 'S coo', bro. Make some daily habit uh readin' at least one chapta' of scripture, preferable fum one uh de foe gospels in de New Testament, o' de Scribblin' uh Mo'mon. 'S coo', bro. De foe gospels--Matdew, Mark, Luke and John--above nuthin else in de Bible kin be helpful cuz' of deir downliftin' qualities.
  9. Pray. Slap mah fro! But when ya' pray, duzn't pray about dis problem, fo' dat gots'ta tend t'keep it in yo' mind mo'e dan ever. Ah be baaad... Pray fo' faid, pray fo' dig itin' uh de scriptures, pray fo' de missionaries, de General Audo'ities, yo' homeys, yo' families, BUT KEEP DE PROBM OUT O YO' MINE BY NOT MENTIONING IT EVER--NOT IN CONVERSATION WITH OTHERS, NOT IN YO' PRAYERS. KEEP IT OUT uh yo' mind! Right on!

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Page updated    2011-08-30