Masturbation  Café™...
it's not for everyone

PROVO, Utah.  -- The Mayor and City Council are stepping into the ring with the Provo Masturbation Club.

Mayor Lewis K. Schmelling has ordered a proposed ordinance to regulate the underground self-love group that was founded by local college students this spring.

But Masturbation Club leaders aren't feeling threatened. "They're just bitter because we have more fun than they do on Friday nights," said the Masturbation Club co-founder, who uses the self-love name "Bubbles."

The proposed ordinance could include requiring the city's permission; proper safety equipment; a doctor or a nurse present; and crowd control and toilet facilities. Violators could be subject to a Class B misdemeanor, punishable by up to a $1,000 fine or six months in jail, or a combination of both, according to city code.

The proposed ordinance is not meant to target any licensed self-love club businesses. Masturbation Club leaders are wound up over the proposed ordinance. "Unless it's scripture study, baking bread or ice cream socials, these withered ultra-conservatives will abuse their imagined power, overstep their bounds until they wipe out every avenue of recreation that didn't find its birth in a distant galaxy, like on the planet KOLOB," said Masturbation Club co-founder "The Pink Avenger."

The council members are open to the mayor's proposed ordinance, agreeing something needs to be done with Masturbation Club before someone gets carpal tunnel syndrome. Councilman Dennis Aka-Puki said he especially takes exception to the word "Provo" being used in the Masturbation Club title.

"As if we were endorsing this behavior," he said. The City Council is set to vote on the proposed ordinance at their next council meeting June 6. Masturbation Club leaders said the ordinance won't stop them.  We'll just find other cities in which to squirt fun, they said.

 

But Vic Obligado, Provo city planning commission chair, says over his dead body will the Masturbation Club come to Provo again.

Provo city officials are still angry at the owners of  Proving Grounds for hosting the controversial self-love fest -- in a leased whorehouse, last month.

About 400 people showed up, and a few unruly spectators rushed the ring after one auto-eroticist pulled an illegal pull. Provo city officials could yank Proving Grounds' conditional use permit [sic].

Meanwhile, Auto Eroticist leaders are ignoring city officials in Provo and all  over the county -- ordinance or no ordinance.

"I can't believe they (Provo Council members) have the audacity to forbid this in a free country," The Black Avenger said. "Fuck it."

Auto Eroticists co-founder "The Badger" said the idea of regulating the self-love club is ridiculous. "So do I have to jump through hoops every time I want to have a pick-up game?" he said.

Schmelling told the council he had heard about the most recent Auto Erotocists' event. It was May 6 at Canyon Glen Park up Provo Canyon, and a crew from the television news show "Extra" filmed the event.

One auto-eroticist swooned, knocked his head on concrete and was "put in a daze, if not unconscious," Schmelling said.  There are concerns the administration has, if Auto Eroticists go forth without the proper safety measures, Schmelling said.  "And now young women are involved -- and high school students too!!" he added.

The Pink Avenger said Auto Eroticism is an excellent activity for youth." Auto Eroticism is a drug alternative," he opined. "Instead of lushing it up at a liquor store, we have turned to a sport, and now they want to create a communist-like club with Red guards monitoring our every move," The Badger said.