This
morning there was a knock
at my door.
When I answered the door I found a well groomed,
nicely dressed couple.
The man spoke first:
Hi! I'm John, and
this is Mary."
Mary: "Hi! We're
here to invite you to come kiss Hank's ass with us."
Me:
"Pardon me?!
What are you talking about? Who's
Hank, and why would I want to kiss his ass?"
John: "If you kiss Hank's ass, he'll
give you a million dollars; and if you don't, he'll kick the shit
out of you."
Me: "What? Is this some sort of bizarre mob
shake-down?"
John: "Hank is a
billionaire philanthropists. Hank built this town. Hank owns this
town. He can do what ever wants, and what he wants is to give you
a million dollars, but he can't until you kiss his ass."
Me:
"That doesn't make any sense. Why..."
Mary: "Who are you to question Hank's gift? Don't you want a
million dollars? Isn't it worth a little kiss on the ass?"
Me: "Well maybe, if it's legit, but..."
John: "Then come kiss Hank's ass with
us."
Me: "Do you kiss Hank's ass often?"
Mary: "Oh yes, all the time..."
Me: "And has he given you a million dollars?"
John: "Well no, you don't actually get
the money until you leave town."
Me: "So why don't you just
leave town now?"
Mary: "You
can't leave until Hank tells you to, or you don't get the money,
and he kicks the shit out of you."
Me: "Do you know anyone
who kissed Hank's ass, left town, and got the million dollars?"
John: "My mother kissed Hank's ass
for years. She left town last year, and I'm sure she got the
money."
Me: "Haven't you talked to her since then?"
John: "Of course not, Hank doesn't
allow it."
Me: "So what makes you think he'll actually give
you the money if you've never talked to anyone who got the
money?"
Mary: "Well, he gives
you a little bit before you leave. Maybe you'll get a raise,
maybe you'll win a small
lotto, maybe
you'll just find a twenty dollar bill on the street."
Me:
"What's that got to do with Hank?"
John:
"Hank has certain 'connections.' "
Me: "I'm sorry, but this
sounds like some sort of bizarre con game."
John: "But it's a million dollars, can
you really take the chance? And remember, if you don't kiss
Hank's ass he'll kick the shit of you."
Me: "Maybe if I could
see Hank, talk to him, get the details straight from him..."
Mary: "No one sees Hank, no one
talks to Hank."
Me: "Then how do you kiss his ass?"
John: "Sometimes we just blow him a
kiss, and think of his ass. Other times we kiss Karl's ass, and
he passes it on."
Me: "Who's Karl?"
Mary:
"A friend of ours. He's the one who taught us all about kissing
Hank's ass. All we had to do was take him out to dinner a few
times."
Me: "And you just took his word for it when he said
there was a Hank, that Hank wanted you to kiss his ass, and that
Hank would reward you?"
John:
"Oh no! Karl's got a letter Hank sent him years ago explaining the
whole thing. Here's a copy; see for your self."
John handed
me a photocopy of a handwritten memo on "From the desk of Karl"
letterhead. There were eleven items listed:
From
The Desk of: Karl
1. Kiss Hank's ass and he'll give you a million
dollars when you leave town. 2. Use alcohol
in moderation. 3. Kick the shit out of
people who aren't like you. 4. Eat right.
5. Hank dictated this list himself. 6. The
moon is made of green cheese. 7. Everything
Hank says is right. 8. Wash your hands after
going to the bathroom. 9. Don't drink.
10. Eat your wieners on buns, no condiments.
11. Kiss Hank's ass or he'll kick the shit out
of you.
Evolve Beyond Belief!
Pick one up for a friend!
Me: "This would appear
to be written on Karl's Letterhead."
Mary: "Hank didn't have any paper."
Me: "I have a
hunch that if we checked we'd find this is Karl's handwriting."
John: "Of course, Hank dictated
it."
Me: "I thought you said no one gets to see Hank?"
Mary: "Not now, but years ago he
would talk to some people."
Me: "I thought you said he was a
philanthropist. What sort of philanthropist kicks the shit out of
people just because they're different?"
Mary: "It's what Hank wants, and Hank's
always right."
Me: "How do you figure that?"
Mary: "Item 7 says 'Everything Hanks
says is right.' That's good enough for me!"
Me: "Maybe your
friend Karl just made the whole thing up."
John:
"No way! Item 5 says 'Hank dictated this list himself.'
Besides, item 2 says 'Use alcohol in moderation,' item 4
says 'Eat right,' and item 8 says 'Wash your hands after
going to the bathroom.' Everyone knows those things are
right, so the rest must be true too."
Me: "But 9 says
'Don't Drink,' which doesn't quite go with item 2, and 6
says 'The moon is made of green cheese,' which is just plain
wrong."
John: "There's no contradiction
between 9 and 2, 9 just clarifies 2. As far as 6 goes,
you've never been to the moon, so you can't say for sure."
Me: "Scientists have pretty firmly established that the moon
is made of rock..."
Mary:
"But they don't know if the rock came from the Earth, or
from outer of space, so it could just as easily be green
cheese."
Me: "I'm not really
an expert, but I think the theory that the Moon came from the
Earth has been discounted. Besides, not knowing where the rock came
from doesn't make it cheese."
John:
"Aha! You just admitted that scientists make mistakes, but we know
Hank is always right!"
Me: "We do?"
Mary: "Of course we do, Item 5 says
so."
Me: "You're saying Hank's always right because the list
says so, the list is right because Hank dictated it, and we know
that Hank dictated it because the list says so. That's circular
logic. That's no different than saying 'Hank's right because he
says he's right.'"
John: "Now
you're getting it!
It's so rewarding to see someone come around
to Hank's way of thinking!"
Me: "But... oh, never mind.
What's the deal with wieners?"
Mary blushes. John says:
"Wieners, in buns, no condiments. It's Hank's way. Anything else
is wrong."
Me: "What if I don't have a bun?"
John: "No bun, no wiener. A wiener
without a bun is wrong."
Me: "No relish? No Mustard?"
Mary looks positively stricken. John shouts: "There's no need for
suchlanguage! Condiments of any kind are wrong!"
Me: "So
a big pile of sauerkraut with some wieners chopped up in it would be
out of the question?"
Mary sticks her fingers in her ears: "I
am not listening to this. La la la la la la la la."
John: "That's disgusting. Only some
sort of evil deviant would eat that..."
Me: "It's good! I eat
it all the time."
Mary faints. John catches her: "Well, if
I'd known you where one of those, I wouldn't have wasted my time.
When Hank kicks the shit out of you, I'll be there counting my
money and laughing. I'll kiss Hank's ass for you, you bunless
cut-wienered kraut-eater."
With this, John dragged Mary to
their waiting car, and sped off.
Heisenberg
and Schrödinger
are driving, and get pulled over. Heisenberg is
in the driver's seat, the officer asks "do you
know how fast you were going?" Heisenberg
replies, "No, but I know exactly where I am!"
The officer looks at him confused and says "you
were going 108 miles per hour!" Heisenberg
throws his arms up and cries, "Great! Now I'm
lost!"
The officer, now more confused and frustrated
orders the men outside of the car, and proceeds
to inspect the vehicle. He opens the trunk and
yells at the two men, "Hey! Did you guys know
you have a dead cat back here?" Schrödinger
angrily yells back, "We do now, jerk!"
Ernie,
the nuclear plant supervisor was about to go on his first vacation
in almost 20 years.
He left the foreman in charge of the control room.
Ernie lectured again to the crew to be sure to watch all the gauges.
He reiterated how to cool the core by adding water if a nuclear
meltdown should threaten. And he reminded everyone about the dangers
of over-filling the core with water, to avoid explosive pressure
buildup from the steam.
As he was leaving, he turned and reminded the crew, "Just remember,
you can't add too much water to a nuclear reactor."
~
Source Nowscape.com... From a classic Saturday Night Live episode
hosted by Ed Asner.
Laurie couldn't decide
which kind of tea she wanted.
English 44ASMU
Creative Writing;
Prof Miller -- In-class Assignment for Wednesday. This assignment was actually turned in by two
English students, Rebecca and Gary:
Today we will experiment with a new
form called the tandem story. The process is simple.
Each person will pair off
with the person sitting to his or her immediate right.
One of you will then write the
first paragraph of a short story. The partner will read the first
paragraph and then add another paragraph to the story. The first
person will then add a third paragraph, and so on back and forth.
Remember to reread what has been written each time in order to keep
the story coherent. The story is over when both agree a conclusion
has been reached.
Ken's Guide to the Bible
by Ken Smith
With
precision and pig- iron wit, this compact volume
lays bare all the sex, gore, and lunacy that the
Bible has to offer...
At
first, Laurie couldn't decide which kind of tea she wanted.
The chamomile, which used to be her favorite for lazy evenings at
home, now reminded her too much of Carl, who once said, in happier
times, that he liked chamomile. But she felt she must now, at all
costs, keep her mind off Carl. His possessiveness was suffocating,
and if she thought about him too much her asthma started acting up
again. So chamomile was out of the question.
Meanwhile,
Advance Sergeant Carl Harris,
leader of the attack squadron now in orbit over Skylon 4, had more
important things to think about than the neuroses of an air-headed
asthmatic bimbo named Laurie with whom he had spent one sweaty night
over a year ago. "A.S. Harris to Geostation 17", he said into his
transgalactic communicator. "Polar orbit established. No sign of
resistance so far..." But before he could sign off a bluish
particle beam flashed out of nowhere and blasted a hole through his
ship's cargo bay. The jolt from the direct hit sent him flying out
of his seat and across the cockpit.
He bumped
his head and died almost immediately, but not before he felt one
last pang of regret for psychically brutalizing the one woman who
had ever had feelings for him. Soon afterwards, Earth stopped its
pointless hostilities towards the peaceful farmers of Skylon 4.
"Congress Passes Law Permanently Abolishing War and Space Travel"
Laurie read in her newspaper one morning. The news simultaneously
excited her and bored her.
She stared out the window, dreaming of her youth -- when the days
had passed unhurriedly and carefree, with no newspapers to read, no
television to distract her from her sense of innocent wonder at all
the beautiful things around her. Why must one lose one's innocence
to become a woman? she pondered wistfully.
Little did
she know, but she has less than 10 seconds to live. Thousands of
miles above the city, the Anu'udrian mothership launched the first
of its lithium fusion missiles. The dim-witted wimpy peaceniks who
pushed the Unilateral Aerospace Disarmament Treaty through Congress
had left Earth a defenseless target for the hostile alien empires
who were determined to destroy the human race. Within two hours
after the passage of the treaty the Anu'udrian ships were on course
for Earth, carrying enough firepower to pulverize the entire planet.
With no one to stop them, they swiftly initiated their diabolical
plan. The lithium fusion missile entered the atmosphere unimpeded.
The President, in his top-secret mobile submarine headquarters on
the ocean floor off the coast of Guam, felt the inconceivably
massive explosion which vaporized Laurie and 85 million other
Americans. The President slammed his fist on the conference table.
"We can't allow this! I'm going to veto that treaty! Let's blow'em
out of the sky!"
This is
absurd. I refuse to continue this mockery of literature. My writing
partner is a violent, chauvinistic, semi-literate adolescent.
Yeah? Well,
you're a self-centered tedious neurotic whose attempts at writing
are the literary equivalent of Valium.
You total
$*&.
Stupid %?$!.
Note
This story is posted on
many websites. The $*&%?$!
- censored
ending is variable. Here are some examples -
Ever since
the Apollo Moon missions brought back Moon rocks,
the best scientific explanation for the formation of
the Moon has been the "Impact-Trigger" Theory. In
this explanation, a Mars-sized body struck the Earth
4 ½ billion years ago. Pieces of the impactor and
the Earth's mantle splashed into orbit around the
Earth and eventually became the Moon. So, at least
partly, the Moon "came from the Earth."
Excerpts from a Dog's
Diary
8:00 am - Dog food! My favorite thing!
9:30 am - A car ride! My favorite thing!
9:40 am - A walk in the park! My favorite thing!
10:30 am - Got rubbed and petted! My favorite
thing!
12:00 pm - Lunch! My favorite thing!
1:00 pm - Played in the yard! My favorite thing!
3:00 pm - Wagged my tail! My favorite thing!
5:00 pm - Milk Bones! My favorite thing!
7:00 pm - Got to play ball! My favorite thing!
8:00 pm - Wow! Watched TV with the people! My favorite
thing!
11:00 pm - Sleeping on the bed! My favorite thing!
Excerpts from a Cat's
Daily Diary
Day 983 of my
captivity...
My
captors continue to taunt me with bizarre little
dangling objects. They dine lavishly on fresh meat,
while the other inmates and I are fed hash or some sort
of dry nuggets.
Although I make my contempt for
the rations perfectly clear, I nevertheless must eat
something in order to keep up my strength.
The
only thing that keeps me going is my dream of escape. In
an attempt to disgust them, I once again vomit on the
carpet.
Today I decapitated a mouse and dropped
its headless body at their feet. I had hoped this would
strike fear into their hearts, since it clearly
demonstrates what I am capable of. However, they merely
made condescending comments about what a 'good
little hunter' I am. Bastards.
There was some
sort of assembly of their accomplices tonight. I was
placed in solitary confinement for the duration of the
event. However, I could hear the noises and smell the
food. I overheard that my confinement was due to the
power of 'allergies.' I must learn what this means and
how to use it to my advantage.
Today I was almost
successful in an attempt to assassinate one of my
tormentors by weaving around his feet as he was walking.
I must try this again tomorrow -- but at the top of the
stairs.
I am convinced that the other prisoners
here are flunkies and snitches. The dog receives special
privileges. He is regularly released -- and seems to be
more than willing to return. He is obviously crazy.
The bird has got to be an informant. I observe him
communicating with the guards regularly. I am certain
that he reports my every move. My captors have arranged
protective custody for him in an elevated cell, so he is
safe. For now...
Why Men Shouldn't
Write Advice Columns
Dear John, I hope you can help me.
The other day. set off for work, leaving my husband
in the house watching TV. My car stal1ed. and
then it broke down about a mile down the road, and
I had to walk back to get my husband's help. When I
got home, I couldn't believe my eyes. He was in our
bedroom with the neighbor's daughter!
I am 32. my husband is 34 and the neighbor's
daughter is 19. We have been married for 10 years.
When I confronted him be broke down and
admitted they had been having an affair for the past
six months. He won't go to counseling. and I'm
afraid I am a wreck and need advice urgently. Can
you please help?
Sincerely, Sheila
Dear Sheila, A car stalling after
being driven a short distance can be caused by a
variety of faults. Start by checking that
there's no debris in the fuel line. If it is clear.
check the vacuum pipes and hoses on the intake
manifold and also check all grounding wires. If none
of these approaches solves the problem, it could
be that the fuel pump itself is faulty, causing low
delivery pressure to the injectors.
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