| |
|
John and Mary Pay a Visit
( Hank's ass )
This morning
there was a knock at
my door. When I answered the door I found a well groomed, nicely
dressed couple. The man spoke first:
"Hi! I'm John, and this is Mary."
Mary: "Hi! We're here to invite you to come kiss Hank's ass with
us."
Me: "Pardon me?!
What are you talking about? Who's Hank, and why would I want to kiss his ass?"
John: "If you kiss Hank's ass, he'll give you a million dollars; and if
you don't, he'll kick the shit out of you."
Me: "What? Is this some sort of bizarre mob shake-down?"
John: "Hank is a billionaire philanthropists. Hank built this town. Hank
owns this town. He can do what ever wants, and what he wants is to give
you
a million dollars, but he can't until you kiss his ass."
Me: "That doesn't make any sense. Why..."
Mary: "Who are you to question Hank's gift? Don't you want a million
dollars? Isn't it worth a little kiss on the ass?"
Me: "Well maybe, if it's legit, but..."
John: "Then come kiss Hank's ass with us."
Me: "Do you kiss Hank's ass often?"
Mary: "Oh yes, all the time..."
Me: "And has he given you a million dollars?"
John: "Well no, you don't actually get the money until you leave town."
Me: "So why don't you just leave town now?"
Mary: "You can't leave until Hank tells you to, or you don't get the
money,
and he kicks the shit out of you."
Me: "Do you know anyone who kissed Hank's ass, left town, and got the
million dollars?"
John: "My mother kissed Hank's ass for years. She left town last year, and
I'm sure she got the money."
Me: "Haven't you talked to her since then?"
John: "Of course not, Hank doesn't allow it."
Me: "So what makes you think he'll actually give you the money if you've
never talked to anyone who got the money?"
Mary: "Well, he gives you a little bit before you leave. Maybe you'll get
a
raise, maybe you'll win a small
lotto,
maybe you'll just find a twenty
dollar bill on the street."
Me: "What's that got to do with Hank?"
John: "Hank has certain 'connections.' "
Me: "I'm sorry, but this sounds like some sort of bizarre con game."
John: "But it's a million dollars, can you really take the chance? And
remember, if you don't kiss Hank's ass he'll kick the shit of you."
Me: "Maybe if I could see Hank, talk to him, get the details straight from
him..."
Mary: "No one sees Hank, no one talks to Hank."
Me: "Then how do you kiss his ass?"
John: "Sometimes we just blow him a kiss, and think of his ass. Other
times
we kiss Karl's ass, and he passes it on."
Me: "Who's Karl?"
Mary: "A friend of ours. He's the one who taught us all about kissing
Hank's
ass. All we had to do was take him out to dinner a few times."
Me: "And you just took his word for it when he said there was a Hank, that
Hank wanted you to kiss his ass, and that Hank would reward you?"
John: "Oh no! Karl's got a letter Hank sent him years ago explaining the
whole thing. Here's a copy; see for your self."
John handed me a photocopy of a handwritten memo on "From the desk of
Karl"
letterhead. There were eleven items listed:
|
From The Desk Of: Karl
1. Kiss Hank's ass and he'll give you a million
dollars when you leave town.
2. Use alcohol in
moderation.
3. Kick the shit out of people who aren't like
you.
4. Eat right.
5. Hank dictated this list himself.
6. The moon is made of green cheese.
7. Everything Hank
says is right.
8. Wash your hands after going to the
bathroom.
9. Don't drink.
10. Eat your wieners on buns,
no condiments.
11. Kiss Hank's ass or he'll kick the shit out of
you.
|
Me: "This would appear to be written on
Karl's Letterhead."
Mary: "Hank didn't have any paper."
Me: "I have a hunch that if we checked we'd find this is Karl's
handwriting."
John: "Of course, Hank dictated it."
Me: "I thought you said no one gets to see Hank?"
Mary: "Not now, but years ago he would talk to some people."
Me: "I thought you said he was a philanthropist. What sort of
philanthropist
kicks the shit out of people just because they're different?"
Mary: "It's what Hank wants, and Hank's always right."
Me: "How do you figure that?"
Mary: "Item 7 says 'Everything Hanks says is right.' That's good enough
for
me!"
Me: "Maybe your friend Karl just made the whole thing up."
John: "No way! Item 5 says 'Hank dictated this list himself.' Besides,
item
2 says 'Use alcohol in moderation,' Item 4 says 'Eat right,' and item 8
says
'Wash your hands after going to the bathroom.' Everyone knows those things
are right, so the rest must be true too."
Me: "But 9 says 'Don't Drink,' which doesn't quite go with item 2, and 6
says 'The moon is made of green cheese,' which is just plain wrong."
John: "There's no contradiction between 9 and 2, 9 just clarifies 2. As
far
as 6 goes, you've never been to the moon, so you can't say for sure."
Me: "Scientists have pretty firmly established that the moon is made of
rock..."
Mary: "But they don't know if the rock came from the Earth, or from outer
of
space, so it could just as easily be green cheese."
Me: "I'm not really an expert, but I think the theory that the Moon came
from the Earth has been discounted. Besides, not knowing where the rock
came
from doesn't make it cheese."
John: "Aha! You just admitted that scientists make mistakes, but we know
Hank is always right!"
Me: "We do?"
Mary: "Of course we do, Item 5 says so."
Me: "You're saying Hank's always right because the list says so, the list is
right because Hank dictated it, and we know that Hank dictated it because
the list says so. That's circular logic. That's no different than saying
'Hank's right because he says he's right.'"
John: "Now you're getting it! It's so rewarding to see someone come around
to Hank's way of thinking!"
Me: "But... oh, never mind. What's the deal with wieners?"
Mary blushes. John says: "Wieners, in buns, no condiments. It's Hank's way.
Anything else is wrong."
Me: "What if I don't have a bun?"
John: "No bun, no wiener. A wiener without a bun is wrong."
Me: "No relish? No Mustard?"
Mary looks positively stricken. John shouts: "There's no need for such
language! Condiments of any kind are wrong!"
Me: "So a big pile of sauerkraut with some wieners chopped up in it would be
out of the question?"
Mary sticks her fingers in her ears: "I am not listening to this. La la la
la la la la la."
John: "That's disgusting. Only some sort of evil deviant would eat that..."
Me: "It's good! I eat it all the time."
Mary faints. John catches her: "Well, if I'd known you where one of those, I
wouldn't have wasted my time. When Hank kicks the shit out of you, I'll be
there counting my money and laughing. I'll kiss Hank's ass for you, you
bunless cut-wienered kraut-eater."
With this, John dragged Mary to their waiting car, and sped off.
Ketchup anyone? :)
AUTHOR Jim Huber.
Laurie couldn't decide which kind of
tea she wanted.
|
English 44ASMU
Creative Writing; Prof Miller
-- In-class Assignment for Wednesday
This assignment was actually turned in by two English
students, Rebecca and Gary:
Today we will experiment with a
new form called the
tandem story. The process is simple.
Each person will pair off with the person sitting to
his or her immediate right.
One of you will then write the first paragraph of a
short story. The partner will read the first paragraph and then add another paragraph to
the story. The first person will then add a third paragraph, and so on back and forth.
Remember to reread what has been written each time in order to keep the story coherent.
The story is over when both agree a conclusion has been reached.
At
first, Laurie couldn't decide which kind of tea she wanted. The
camomile, which used to be her favorite for lazy evenings at home, now reminded her too
much of Carl, who once said, in happier times, that he liked camomile. But she felt she
must now, at all costs, keep her mind off Carl. His possessiveness was suffocating, and if
she thought about him too much her asthma started acting up again. So camomile was out of
the question.
Meanwhile, Advance Sergeant Carl
Harris, leader of the attack
squadron now in orbit over Skylon 4, had more important things to think about than the
neuroses of an air-headed asthmatic bimbo named Laurie with whom he had spent one sweaty
night over a year ago. "A.S. Harris to Geostation 17", he said into his transgalactic communicator. "Polar orbit established. No sign of resistance so
far..." But before he could sign off a bluish particle beam flashed out of nowhere
and blasted a hole through his ship's cargo bay. The jolt from the direct hit sent him
flying out of his seat and across the cockpit.
He bumped his head and died almost
immediately, but not before he felt one last pang of regret for psychically brutalizing
the one woman who had ever had feelings for him. Soon afterwards, Earth stopped its
pointless hostilities towards the peaceful farmers of Skylon 4. "Congress Passes Law
Permanently Abolishing War and Space Travel" Laurie read in her newspaper one
morning. The news simultaneously excited her and bored her.
She stared out the window,
dreaming of her youth -- when the days had passed unhurriedly and carefree, with no
newspapers to read, no television to distract her from her sense of innocent wonder at all
the beautiful things around her. Why must one lose one's innocence to become a
woman? she pondered wistfully.
Little did she know, but she has
less than 10 seconds to live. Thousands of miles above the city, the Anu'udrian mothership
launched the first of its lithium fusion missiles. The dim-witted wimpy peaceniks who
pushed the Unilateral Aerospace Disarmament Treaty through Congress had left Earth a
defenseless target for the hostile alien empires who were determined to destroy the human
race. Within two hours after the passage of the treaty the Anu'udrian ships were on course
for Earth, carrying enough firepower to pulverize the entire planet. With no one to stop
them, they swiftly initiated their diabolical plan. The lithium fusion missile entered the
atmosphere unimpeded. The President, in his top-secret mobile submarine headquarters on
the ocean floor off the coast of Guam, felt the inconceivably massive explosion which
vaporized Laurie and 85 million other Americans. The President slammed his fist on the
conference table. "We can't allow this! I'm going to veto that treaty! Let's blow'em
out of the sky!"
This is absurd. I refuse to
continue this mockery of literature. My writing partner is a violent, chauvinistic,
semi-literate adolescent.
Yeah? Well, you're a self-centered
tedious neurotic whose attempts at writing are the literary equivalent of Valium.
You total $*&.
Stupid %?$!.
|
|
This story is posted on many
websites. The
$*&%?$! -
censored ending is quite variable. Below are some
examples - |
| You total $*&. |
Wanker. |
Jerk. |
Asshole. |
| Stupid %?$!. |
Slut.
|
Cry baby. |
Bitch. |
| |
Get fucked.
|
YOU
NEANDERTHAL!!! |
|
| |
Eat shit.
|
Go drink
some tea. |
|
| |
FUCK YOU -
YOU NEANDERTHAL!!! |
|
|
| |
Go drink
some tea - whore.. |
|
|
Ever since the Apollo Moon missions
brought back Moon rocks, the best scientific explanation for the
formation of the Moon has been the "Impact-Trigger" Theory. In
this explanation, a Mars-sized body struck the Earth 4 ½ billion
years ago. Pieces of the impactor and the Earth's mantle splashed
into orbit around the Earth and eventually became the Moon. So, at
least partly, the Moon "came from the Earth."
|
Purchase or rent your favorite movies and TV shows to
download
and watch on your PC – all in DVD quality !
|
LINKS
