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Sign on a Vietnamese restaurant in Salt Lake City, USA:

Starting Tuesday, we will be closed Monday.

 An Italian hotel brochure:
 This hotel is renowned for its peace and solitude. In fact, crowds from all over the world flock here to enjoy its solitude.

Sign at a French swimming pool:
Swimming is forbidden in absence of the Saviour.

Menu at an Athens hotel:
Chopped-up cow with wire through it. (Shish kebab.)

A Polish tourist brochure:
As for the tripe served you at the Hotel Monopol, you will be singing its praises to your grandchildren as you lie on your deathbed.

In a Tokyo Hotel:
Is forbidden to steal hotel towels please.  If you are not a person to do such thing is please not to read notis.

In a Leipzig elevator:
Do not enter the lift backwards, and only when lit up.

On the menu of a Swiss restaurant:
Our wines leave you nothing to hope for.

On the menu of a Polish hotel:
Salad a firm's own make; limpid red beet soup with cheesy dumplings in the form of a finger; roasted duck let loose; beef rashers beaten up in the country people's fashion.

Outside a Hong Kong tailor shop:
Ladies may have a fit upstairs.

Outside a Paris dress shop:
Dresses for street walking.

In a Rhodes tailor shop:
Order your summers suit.  Because is big rush we will execute customers in strict rotation.

 An Athens hotel:

A superb and inexpensive restaurant.  Fine food expertly served by waitresses in appetizing forms.


Brochure / advert for hotel in Zanzibar, Tanzania:   SEE IT
Coffee shop where you can relax and hold your breath.     

A sign posted in Germany's Black forest:
It is strictly forbidden on our black forest camping site that people of different sex, for instance, men and women, live together in one tent unless they are married with each other for that purpose.

In a Zurich hotel:
Because of the impropriety of entertaining guests of the opposite sex in the bedroom, it is suggested that the lobby be used for this purpose.

In an advertisement by a Hong Kong dentist:
Teeth extracted by the latest Methodists.

In a Rome laundry:
Ladies, leave your clothes here and spend the afternoon having a good time.

In a Copenhagen airline ticket office:
We take your bags and send them in all directions.

On the door of a Moscow hotel room:
If this is your first visit to the USSR, you are welcome to it.

In a Norwegian cocktail lounge:
Ladies are requested not to have children in the bar.

In a Budapest zoo:
Please do not feed the animals.  If you have any suitable food, give it to the guard on duty.

In the office of a Roman doctor:
Specialist in women and other diseases.

In a Tokyo shop:
Our nylons cost more than common, but you'll find they are best in the long run.

From a Japanese information booklet about using a hotel air conditioner:
Cools and Heats: If you want just condition of warm in your room, please control yourself.

From a brochure of a car rental firm in  Tokyo:
When passenger of foot heave in sight, tootle the horn.  Trumpet him melodiously at first, but if he still obstacles your passage then tootle him with vigor.

Menus of local restaurants might present such delectables as “fried enema,” “monolithic tree mushroom stem squid” and a mysterious thirst-quencher known as “The Jew’s Ear Juice.

In a Paris hotel elevator:
Please leave your values at the front desk.

In a Yugoslavian hotel:
The flattening of underwear with pleasure is the job of the chambermaid.

In a Japanese hotel:
You are invited to take advantage of the chambermaid.

In the lobby of a Moscow hotel across from a Russian Orthodox monastery:
You are welcome to visit the cemetery where famous Russian and Soviet composers, artists, and writers are buried daily except Thursday.

In an Austrian hotel catering to skiers:
Not to perambulate the corridors in the hours of repose in the boots of ascension.

In a Bucharest hotel lobby:
The lift is being fixed for the next day. During the time we regret that you will be unbearable.

In a Belgrade hotel elevator:
To move the cabin, push button for wishing floor. If the cabin should enter more persons, each one should press a number of wishing floor. Driving is then going alphabetically by national order.

Lisbon hotel:
If you wish disinfection enacted in your presence, please ring for the chambermaid.

Rome hotel:
Fire! It is what can doing, we hope. No fear. Not ourselves. Say quickly to all people coming up down everywhere a prayer. Always a clerk. He is assured of safety by expert men who are in the bar for telephone for the fighters of the fire come out.

French hotel:
A sports jacket may be worn to dinner, but no trousers.

French restaurant menu:
Extract of fowl, peached or sunnyside up.

Engrish ~ Chinglish

Peoples will left the rooms at midday of tomorrow in place of not which will be more money for hole day.

Creative daily specials, including select offerings of beef, foul, fresh vegetables, salads, quiche. 7 ounces of choice sirloin steak, boiled to your likeness and smothered with golden fried onion rings.

Visitors are expected to complain at the office between the hours of 9 and 11 AM daily.

Bangkok Dry Cleaners: Drop your trousers here for best results.

Soviet Newspaper: There will be a Moscow exhibition of Arts by 15,000 Soviet Republic painters and sculptors. These were executed over the past two years.

Czech Tourist Agency: Take one of our horse-driven city tours. We guarantee no miscarriages.

In a Tokyo bar: Special cocktails for ladies with nuts.

In a Copenhagen airline ticket office:
We take your bags and send them in all directions.

Two signs from a Moroccan shop entrance: 'English well speaking" and "Here speeching American".

Rome hotel: Fire! It is what can doing, we hope. No fear. Not ourselves.

Say quickly to all people coming up down everywhere a prayer. Always a clerk.

He is assured of safety by expert men who are in the bar for telephone for the fighters of the fire come out.

French hotel: A sports jacket may be worn to dinner, but no trousers.

French restaurant menu: Extract of fowl, peached or sunnyside up.

Peoples will left the rooms at midday of tomorrow in place of not which will be more money for hole day.

In China - Chinglese:

Sign in hotel lift In China
" Please bump your head carefully"

In hotel lift a sign advises people to
"please leave your values at the front desk".

Shanghai metro from the public security bureau that reads:
"If you are stolen, call the police at once."
"Keep valuables snugly"
"Beware the people press close to you designedly".

Source:  BBC.co.uk    By C h r i s   H o g g    BBC News, Shanghai


"To punish me for my contempt for authority, fate made me an authority myself".
A. Einstein


"Things should be made as simple possible, but not simpler."
-  A. Einstein                   LINK: MORMONISM


Authorities in Shanghai want to correct badly phrased English on signs in public places. Here are some examples of signs spotted on travels in China. This one at the Forbidden City provides a helpful warning.

Photo: Phil George.

Men shopping at this clothes store aren't always polite?  
Shanghai 2003.

Photo: James Filer


A polite notice for tourists at the bottom of Mount Tai in Shandong Province.

Photo: Paul McCarthy.



Taking care of the environment.  Photo: Richard Smith.

Three Gorges Dam where you aren't allowed to turn? Or should that be jump?
Photo: Richard Smith.

The Oriental Pearl TV Tower in Shanghai had a long list of dos and don'ts, particularly for sword carrying ragamuffins. Photo: Peter Hill.


A kind request near the Bird's Nest Olympic Stadium in Beijing.

Photo: Chris Dew.




If you are stolen, call the police at once.
Please omnivorously put the waste
in garbage can.

Deformed man Lavatory

~ WIRED Magazine 2000

Getting a hairdryer through customs...

A distinguished young woman on a flight from Ireland asked the Priest beside her, "Father, may I ask a favour?"

"Of course child What may I do for you?"

"Well, I bought an expensive woman"s electronic hair dryer for my Mother's birthday that is unopened and well over the Customs limits, and I'm afraid they'll confiscate it.
Is there any way you could carry it through customs for me?
Under your robes perhaps?"

"I would love to help you, dear, but I must warn you: I will not lie."

"With your honest face, Father, no one will question you."

When they got to Customs, she let the priest go ahead of her.

The official asked, "Father, do you have anything to declare?"

"From the top of my head down to my waist, I have nothing to declare."

The official thought this answer strange, so asked, "And what do you have to declare from your waist to the floor?"

"I have a marvelous instrument designed to be used on a woman, but which is, to date, unused."

Roaring with laughter, the official said, 'Go ahead, Father... Next!'


"Intellectual" Humor    

The Washington Post:  Winning submissions to its yearly contest in which readers are asked to supply alternate meanings for common words.

And the winners are:

Coffee, (n.) the person upon whom one coughs.
Flabbergasted, (adj.) appalled by discovering how much weight one has gained.
Abdicate, (v.) to give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach.
Esplanade, (v.) to attempt an explanation while drunk.
Willy-Nilly, (adj.) impotent.
Negligent, (adj.) absentmindedly answering the door when wearing only a nightgown.
Lymph, (v.) to walk with a lisp.
Gargoyle, (n.) olive-flavored mouthwash.
Flatulence, (n.) emergency vehicle that picks up someone who has been run over by a steamroller.
Balderdash, (n.) a rapidly receding hairline.
Testicle, (n.) a humorous question on an exam.
Rectitude, (n.) the formal, dignified bearing adopted by proctologists.
Pokemon, (n.) a Rastafarian proctologist.
Oyster, (n.) a person who sprinkles his conversation with Yiddishisms.
Circumvent, (n.) an opening in the front of boxer shorts worn by Jewish men.

The winners of the Washington Post's Mensa Invitational, which once again asked readers to take any word from the dictionary, alter it by adding, subtracting, or changing one letter, and supplying a new definition:

The 2006 winners were:
Cashtration (n.): The act of buying (or building) a house, which renders the subject financially impotent for an indefinite period of time.
Ignoranus: A person who's both stupid and an asshole.
Intaxication: Euphoria at getting a tax refund, which lasts until you realize that it was your money to start with.
Reintarnation: Coming back to life as a hillbilly.
Bozone (n.): The substance surrounding stupid people that stops bright ideas from penetrating. The bozone layer, unfortunately, shows little sign of breaking down in the near future.
Foreploy: Any misrepresentation about yourself for the purpose of getting laid.
Giraffiti: Vandalism spray-painted very, very high.
Sarchasm: The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the person who doesn't get it.
Hipatitis: Terminal coolness.
Osteopornosis: A degenerate disease. (This one got extra credit.)
Decafalon: (n.): The grueling event of getting through the day consuming only things that are good for you.
Glibido: All talk and no action.
Dopeler Effect: The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when they come at you rapidly.
Arachnoleptic Fit (n.): The frantic dance performed just after you've accidentally walked through a spider web.
Beelzebug (n.): Satan in the form of a mosquito, that gets into your bedroom at three in the morning and cannot be cast out.
Caterpallor (n.): The color you turn after finding half a worm in the fruit you're eating.

"We must be very careful not to take actions that could harm consumers."...
President George W. Bush wrote in a letter to Republican senators


Pictures received via email; purportedly from engrish.com

      Olympic Humor    

Comments made by NBC sports commentators during the Summer Olympics that they might like to take back:
Weightlifting commentator: "This is Gregoriava from Bulgaria. I saw her snatch this morning during her warm up and it was amazing."

Dressage commentator: "This is really a lovely horse and I speak from personal experience since I once mounted her mother."

Paul Hamm, Gymnast: "I owe a lot to my parents, especially my mother and father."

Boxing Analyst: "Sure there have been injuries, and even some deaths in boxing, but none of them really that serious."

Softball announcer: "If history repeats itself, I should think we can expect the same thing again."
Basketball analyst: "He dribbles a lot and the opposition doesn't like it. In fact you can see it all over their faces."

At the rowing medal ceremony: "Ah, isn't that nice, the wife of the IOC president is hugging the cox of the British crew."

Soccer commentator: "Julian Dicks is everywhere. It's like they've got eleven Dicks on the field."

Tennis commentator: "One of the reasons Andy is playing so well is that, before the final round, his wife takes out his balls and kisses them... Oh my God, what have I just said?"

Albert Einstein's quote

How the 2008 financial bail-out of Wall Street worked....

Young Chuck moved to Texas and bought a Donkey from a farmer for $100.

farmer agreed to deliver the Donkey the next day.

The next day
he drove up and said, 'Sorry son, but I have some bad News, the donkey died.'

Chuck replied, 'Well, then just give me my money back.'

farmer said, 'Can't do that. I went and spent it already.'

Chuck said, 'Ok, then, just bring me the dead donkey.' The farmer asked, 'What ya gonna do with him? Chuck said, 'I'm going to raffle him off.'

  Bird's imprint on office window       Photo by @Com.
Links:    Illusions 1     Illusions 2

Creative writing:   Laurie couldn't decide which kind of tea she wanted.  (continued)

The farmer said You can't raffle off a dead donkey!' Chuck said, 'Sure I can Watch me. I just won't tell anybody he's dead.'

A month later, the
farmer met up with Chuck and asked, 'What happened with that dead donkey?'

Chuck said, 'I raffled him off. I sold 500 tickets at two dollars a piece and made a profit of $998.'

The farmer said, 'Didn't anyone complain?'

Chuck said, 'Just the guy who won. So I gave him his two dollars back.'

Chuck is now working for Goldman Sachs.

Ernie, the nuclear plant supervisor was about to go on his first vacation in almost 20 years.  He left the foreman in charge of the control room ...
Ernie lectured again to the control room crew to be sure to watch all the gauges. He reiterated how to cool the core by adding water if a nuclear meltdown should threaten.  And he reminded them about the dangers of over-filling the core with water, to avoid explosive pressure buildup from the steam, etc.
Having explained all that, as he was leaving, he turned and reminded the crew,  "Just remember, you can't add too much water to a nuclear reactor."   

~ Source Nowscape.com...   From a classic Saturday Night Live episode hosted by Ed Asner.

Arrived here via email    


How is it that we put man on the moon before we figured out it would be a good idea to put wheels on luggage?
If you have sex with a prostitute against her will, is it considered rape or shoplifting?
How important does a person have to be before they are considered assassinated instead of just murdered?
Why do you have to 'put your two cents in'... but it's only a 'penny for your thoughts'? Where's that extra penny going to?
Once you're in heaven, do you get stuck wearing the clothes you were buried in for eternity?
What disease did cured ham actually have?

Why is it that people say they 'slept like a baby' when babies wake up, like, every two hours?
If a deaf person has to go to court, is it still called a hearing?
Why is 'bra' singular and '
panties' plural?
Why do toasters always have a setting that burns the toast to a horrible crisp, which no decent human being would eat?
If  Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a stupid song about him?
Can a hearse carrying a corpse drive in the carpool lane?

If the professor on Gilligan's Island can make a radio out of a coconut, why can't he fix a hole in a boat?
Why does Goofy stand erect while Pluto remains on all fours? They're both dogs!
If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from vegetables, what is baby oil made from?
If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from
Why do they call it an asteroid when it's outside the hemisphere, but call it a hemorrhoid when it's in your butt?
Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog's face, he gets mad at you, but when you take him for a car ride, he sticks his head out the window?

How Many Christians does it take to change a church lightbulb ?
Charismatic: Only 1 - Hands are already in the air.

Pentecostal: 10 - One to change the bulb, and nine to pray against the spirit of darkness.

Presbyterians: None - Lights will go on and off at predestined times.

Roman Catholic: None - Candles only. (Of guaranteed origin of course.)

Baptists: At least 15 - One to change the light bulb, and three committees to approve the change and decide who brings the potato salad and fried chicken.

Episcopalians: 3 - One to call the electrician, one to mix the drinks, and one to talk about how much better the old one was.

Mormons: 5 - One man to change the bulb, and four wives to tell him how to do it.

Unitarians: We choose not to make a statement either in favor of or against the need for a light bulb. However, if in your own journey you have found that light bulbs work for you, you are invited to write a poem or compose a modern dance about your light bulb for the next Sunday service, in which we will explore a number of light bulb traditions, including incandescent, fluorescent, 3-way, long-life and tinted, all of which are equally valid paths to luminescence.

Methodists: Undetermined - Whether your light is bright, dull, or completely out, you are loved. You can be a light bulb, turnip bulb, or tulip bulb. Bring a bulb of your choice to the Sunday lighting service and a covered dish to pass.

Nazarene: 6 - One woman to replace the bulb while five men review church lighting policy.

Lutherans: None - Lutherans don't believe in change.

Amish: What's a light bulb?


Why did the chicken cross the road?

The problem we have here is that this chicken won't realize that he must first deal with the problem on 'THIS' side of the road before it goes after the problem on the 'OTHER SIDE' of the road. What we need to do is help him realize how stupid he's acting by not taking on his 'CURRENT' problems before adding 'NEW' problems.

Well, I understand that the chicken is having problems, which is why he wants to cross this road so bad. So instead of having the chicken learn from his mistakes and take falls, which is a part of life, I'm going to give this chicken a car so that he can just drive across the road and not live his life like the rest of the chickens.

We don't really care why the chicken crossed the road. We just want to know if the chicken is on our side of the road, or not. The chicken is either against us, or for us. There is no middle ground here.

Now to the left of the screen, you can clearly see the satellite image of the chicken crossing the road...

We have reason to believe there is a chicken, but we have not yet been allowed to have access to the other side of the road.

Although I voted to let the chicken cross the road, I am now against it! It was the wrong road to cross, and I was misled about the chicken's intentions. I am not for it now, and will remain against it in the future unless I change my mind.


That chicken crossed the road because he's GUILTY! You can see it in his eyes and the way he walks.

To steal the job of a decent, hardworking American.

No one called me to warn me which way that chicken was going. I had a standing order at the Farmer's Market to sell my eggs when the price dropped to a certain level. No little bird gave me any insider information.

Did the chicken cross the road? Did he cross it with a toad? Yes, the chicken crossed the road, but why it crossed I've not been told.

To die in the rain. Alone.

Because the chicken was gay! Can't you people see the plain truth?' That's why they call it the 'other side.' Yes, my friends, that chicken is gay. And if you eat that chicken, you will become gay too. I say we boycott all chickens until we sort out this abomination that the liberal media white washes with seemingly harmless phrases like 'the other side. That chicken should not be crossing the road. It's as plain and as simple as that.

In my day we didn't ask why the chicken crossed the road. Somebody told us the chicken crossed the road, and that was good enough.

Isn't that interesting? In a few moments, we will be listening to the chicken tell, for the first time, the heart warming story of how it experienced a serious case of molting, and went on to accomplish its life long dream of crossing the road.

Imagine all the chickens in the world crossing roads together, in peace.


It is the nature of chickens to cross the road.

I have just released eChicken2007, which will not only cross roads, but will lay eggs, file your important documents, and balance your check book. Internet Explorer is an integral part of eChicken This new platform is much more stable and will never cra...#@&&^(C% ........ reboot.

Did the chicken really cross the road, or did the road accelerate beneath the chicken?

I did not cross the road with THAT chicken.  It depends on what the meaning of "chicken" is.

I invented the chicken!

Did I miss one?

Where's my gun?

Why are all the chickens white? We need more black chickens.


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 Church Humor

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 Olympic Humor

I can fix that!

(C)  Page updated  2012-10-31