@Com HOME Travel Humor I can fix that! Church Humor Atheist Humor
Sign on a Vietnamese restaurant in Salt Lake City, USA:
Starting Tuesday, we will be closed Monday.
An Italian hotel brochure:
Sign at a French swimming pool:
On the menu of a Polish hotel:
Brochure / advert for
hotel in Zanzibar, Tanzania:
A sign posted in
Germany's Black forest:
In a Zurich hotel:
In a Copenhagen airline ticket office:
In a Tokyo shop:
In a Paris hotel elevator:
Please leave your values at the front desk.
In a Yugoslavian hotel:
In a Japanese hotel:
In the lobby of a Moscow hotel
across from a Russian Orthodox monastery:
In an Austrian hotel catering
In a Bucharest hotel lobby:
In a Belgrade hotel elevator:
French restaurant menu:
Peoples will left the rooms at midday of tomorrow in place of not which will be more money for hole day.
Creative daily specials, including select offerings of beef, foul, fresh vegetables, salads, quiche. 7 ounces of choice sirloin steak, boiled to your likeness and smothered with golden fried onion rings.
Visitors are expected to complain at the office between the hours of 9 and 11 AM daily.
Bangkok Dry Cleaners: Drop your trousers here for best results.
Soviet Newspaper: There will be a Moscow exhibition of Arts by 15,000 Soviet Republic painters and sculptors. These were executed over the past two years.
Czech Tourist Agency:
Take one of our horse-driven city tours. We guarantee no miscarriages.
Rome hotel: Fire! It is what can doing, we hope. No fear. Not ourselves.
Say quickly to all people coming up down everywhere a prayer. Always a clerk.
He is assured of safety by expert men who are in the bar for telephone for the fighters of the fire come out.
French hotel: A sports jacket may be worn to dinner, but no trousers.
French restaurant menu: Extract of fowl, peached or sunnyside up.
Peoples will left the rooms at midday of tomorrow in place of not which will be more money for hole day.
In China - Chinglese:
Sign in hotel lift
In hotel lift
a sign advises people to
Shanghai metro from
the public security bureau that reads:
Source: BBC.co.uk By C h r i s H o g g BBC News, Shanghai
punish me for my contempt for authority, fate made me an authority myself".
- A. Einstein
"Things should be made as simple possible, but not simpler."
Authorities in Shanghai want to correct badly phrased English on signs in public places. Here are some examples of signs spotted on travels in China. This one at the Forbidden City provides a helpful warning.
Photo: Phil George.
Photo: James Filer
A polite notice for tourists at the bottom of Mount Tai in Shandong Province.
Photo: Paul McCarthy.
Taking care of the environment. Photo: Richard Smith.
Dam where you aren't allowed to turn? Or should that be jump?
The Oriental Pearl TV Tower in Shanghai had a long list of dos and don'ts, particularly for sword carrying ragamuffins. Photo: Peter Hill.
A kind request near the Bird's Nest Olympic Stadium in Beijing.
Photo: Chris Dew.
If you are
stolen, call the police at once.
Deformed man Lavatory
~ WIRED Magazine 2000
Getting a hairdryer through customs...
A distinguished young woman on a flight from Ireland asked the Priest beside her, "Father, may I ask a favour?"
"Of course child What may I do for you?"
"Well, I bought an expensive woman"s electronic hair dryer for my Mother's birthday that is unopened and well over the Customs limits, and I'm afraid they'll confiscate it.
Is there any way you could carry it through customs for me?
Under your robes perhaps?"
"I would love to help you, dear, but I must warn you: I will not lie."
"With your honest face, Father, no one will question you."
When they got to Customs, she let the priest go ahead of her.
The official asked, "Father, do you have anything to declare?"
"From the top of my head down to my waist, I have nothing to declare."
The official thought this answer strange, so asked, "And what do you have to declare from your waist to the floor?"
"I have a marvelous instrument designed to be used on a woman, but which is, to date, unused."
Roaring with laughter, the official said, 'Go ahead, Father... Next!'
Post: Winning submissions to its yearly contest in which
readers are asked to supply alternate meanings for common words.
The winners of the
Washington Post's Mensa Invitational, which once again asked readers
to take any word from the dictionary, alter it by adding, subtracting, or
changing one letter, and supplying a new
"We must be very careful not
to take actions that could harm consumers."...
Pictures received via email; purportedly from engrish.com
|Comments made by NBC sports commentators during the Summer Olympics that they might like to take back:|
"This is Gregoriava from Bulgaria. I
saw her snatch this morning during her warm up and it was amazing."
Dressage commentator: "This is really a lovely horse and I speak from personal experience since I once mounted her mother."
Paul Hamm, Gymnast: "I owe a lot to my parents, especially my mother and father."
Boxing Analyst: "Sure there have been injuries, and even some deaths in boxing, but none of them really that serious."
Softball announcer: "If history repeats itself, I should think we can expect the same thing again."
"He dribbles a lot and the opposition
doesn't like it. In fact you can see it all over their faces."
At the rowing medal ceremony: "Ah, isn't that nice, the wife of the IOC president is hugging the cox of the British crew."
Soccer commentator: "Julian Dicks is everywhere. It's like they've got eleven Dicks on the field."
Tennis commentator: "One of the reasons Andy is playing so well is that, before the final round, his wife takes out his balls and kisses them... Oh my God, what have I just said?"
How the 2008 financial bail-out of Wall Street worked....
Creative writing: Laurie couldn't decide which kind of tea she wanted. (continued)
nuclear plant supervisor was about to go on his first vacation
in almost 20 years. He left the foreman in
charge of the control room ...
Ernie lectured again to the control room crew to be sure to watch all the gauges. He reiterated how to cool the core by adding water if a nuclear meltdown should threaten. And he reminded them about the dangers of over-filling the core with water, to avoid explosive pressure buildup from the steam, etc.
Having explained all that, as he was leaving, he turned and reminded the crew, "Just remember, you can't add too much water to a nuclear reactor."
~ Source Nowscape.com... From a classic Saturday Night Live episode hosted by Ed Asner.
Arrived here via email
DEEP QUESTIONS THAT HAUNT ME...
How is it that we put man on the moon before we figured out it would be a good idea to put wheels on luggage?
If you have sex with a prostitute against her will, is it considered rape or shoplifting?
How important does a person have to be before they are considered assassinated instead of just murdered?
Why do you have to 'put your two cents in'... but it's only a 'penny for your thoughts'? Where's that extra penny going to?
Once you're in heaven, do you get stuck wearing the clothes you were buried in for eternity?
What disease did cured ham actually have?
Why is it that people say they 'slept like a baby' when babies wake up, like, every two hours?
If a deaf person has to go to court, is it still called a hearing?
Why is 'bra' singular and 'panties' plural?
Why do toasters always have a setting that burns the toast to a horrible crisp, which no decent human being would eat?
If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a stupid song about him?
Can a hearse carrying a corpse drive in the carpool lane?
If the professor on Gilligan's Island can make a radio out of a coconut, why can't he fix a hole in a boat?
Why does Goofy stand erect while Pluto remains on all fours? They're both dogs!
If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from vegetables, what is baby oil made from?
If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?
Why do they call it an asteroid when it's outside the hemisphere, but call it a hemorrhoid when it's in your butt?
Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog's face, he gets mad at you, but when you take him for a car ride, he sticks his head out the window?
How Many Christians does it take to change a church lightbulb ?
Charismatic: Only 1 - Hands are already in the air.
Pentecostal: 10 - One to change the bulb, and nine to pray against the spirit of darkness.
Presbyterians: None - Lights will go on and off at predestined times.
Roman Catholic: None - Candles only. (Of guaranteed origin of course.)
Baptists: At least 15 - One to change the light bulb, and three committees to approve the change and decide who brings the potato salad and fried chicken.
Episcopalians: 3 - One to call the electrician, one to mix the drinks, and one to talk about how much better the old one was.
Mormons: 5 - One man to change the bulb, and four wives to tell him how to do it.
Unitarians: We choose not to make a statement either in favor of or against the need for a light bulb. However, if in your own journey you have found that light bulbs work for you, you are invited to write a poem or compose a modern dance about your light bulb for the next Sunday service, in which we will explore a number of light bulb traditions, including incandescent, fluorescent, 3-way, long-life and tinted, all of which are equally valid paths to luminescence.
Methodists: Undetermined - Whether your light is bright, dull, or completely out, you are loved. You can be a light bulb, turnip bulb, or tulip bulb. Bring a bulb of your choice to the Sunday lighting service and a covered dish to pass.
Nazarene: 6 - One woman to replace the bulb while five men review church lighting policy.
Lutherans: None - Lutherans don't believe in change.
Amish: What's a light bulb?
Why did the chicken cross the road?
DR. PHIL :
The problem we have here is that this chicken won't realize that he must first deal with the problem on 'THIS' side of the road before it goes after the problem on the 'OTHER SIDE' of the road. What we need to do is help him realize how stupid he's acting by not taking on his 'CURRENT' problems before adding 'NEW' problems.
Well, I understand that the chicken is having problems, which is why he wants to cross this road so bad. So instead of having the chicken learn from his mistakes and take falls, which is a part of life, I'm going to give this chicken a car so that he can just drive across the road and not live his life like the rest of the chickens.
GEORGE W. BUSH :
We don't really care why the chicken crossed the road. We just want to know if the chicken is on our side of the road, or not. The chicken is either against us, or for us. There is no middle ground here.
COLIN POWELL :
Now to the left of the screen, you can clearly see the satellite image of the chicken crossing the road...
ANDERSON COOPER - CNN:
We have reason to believe there is a chicken, but we have not yet been allowed to have access to the other side of the road.
JOHN KERRY :
Although I voted to let the chicken cross the road, I am now against it! It was the wrong road to cross, and I was misled about the chicken's intentions. I am not for it now, and will remain against it in the future unless I change my mind.
Mitt ROMNEY :
NANCY GRACE :
That chicken crossed the road because he's GUILTY! You can see it in his eyes and the way he walks.
PAT BUCHANAN :
To steal the job of a decent, hardworking American.
MARTHA STEWART :
No one called me to warn me which way that chicken was going. I had a standing order at the Farmer's Market to sell my eggs when the price dropped to a certain level. No little bird gave me any insider information.
DR SEUSS :
Did the chicken cross the road? Did he cross it with a toad? Yes, the chicken crossed the road, but why it crossed I've not been told.
ERNEST HEMINGWAY :
To die in the rain. Alone.
JERRY FALWELL :
Because the chicken was gay! Can't you people see the plain truth?' That's why they call it the 'other side.' Yes, my friends, that chicken is gay. And if you eat that chicken, you will become gay too. I say we boycott all chickens until we sort out this abomination that the liberal media white washes with seemingly harmless phrases like 'the other side. That chicken should not be crossing the road. It's as plain and as simple as that.
In my day we didn't ask why the chicken crossed the road. Somebody told us the chicken crossed the road, and that was good enough.
BARBARA WALTERS :
Isn't that interesting? In a few moments, we will be listening to the chicken tell, for the first time, the heart warming story of how it experienced a serious case of molting, and went on to accomplish its life long dream of crossing the road.
JOHN LENNON :
Imagine all the chickens in the world crossing roads together, in peace.
BILL MOYERS :
It is the nature of chickens to cross the road.
BILL GATES :
I have just released eChicken2007, which will not only cross roads, but will lay eggs, file your important documents, and balance your check book. Internet Explorer is an integral part of eChicken This new platform is much more stable and will never cra...#@&&^(C% ........ reboot.
ALBERT EINSTEIN :
Did the chicken really cross the road, or did the road accelerate beneath the chicken?
BILL CLINTON :
I did not cross the road with THAT chicken. It depends on what the meaning of "chicken" is.
AL GORE :
I invented the chicken!
COLONEL SANDERS :
Did I miss one?
DICK CHENEY :
Where's my gun?
AL SHARPTON :
Why are all the chickens white? We need more black chickens.
|I can fix that!|
(C) Page updated 2012-10-31