Church Humor    


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Thank God for church ladies with typewriters.
These items actually appeared in church bulletins, notices or newspapers -

Sign in church basement: Last one out, please turn off the Eternal Flame.

The cost for attending the Fasting and Prayer conference includes meals.

This morning's sermon ... "Jesus Walks on the Water"
Tonight's sermon ........ "Searching for Jesus"

Our youth basketball team is back in action Wednesday at 8:PM in the recreation hall. Come out and watch us kill Christ the King.

Ladies, don't forget the rummage sale. It's a chance to get rid of those things not worth keeping around the house. Bring your husbands.

The peacemaking meeting scheduled for today has been canceled due to a conflict.

Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our church and community. Smile at someone who is hard to love. Say "Hell" to someone who doesn't care much about you.

Don't let worry kill you off - let the Church help.

Miss Charlene Mason sang "I will not pass this way again", giving obvious pleasure to the congregation.

For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery downstairs.

Next Thursday there will be tryouts for the choir. They need all the help they can get.

Tuesday at 4:00 p.m. there will be an ice cream social. All ladies giving milk will please come early.

The Rector will preach his farewell message after which the choir will sing: "Break Forth Into Joy."

Irving Benson and Jessie Carter were married on October 24 in the church. So ends a friendship that began in their school days.

A bean supper will be held on Tuesday evening in the church hall. Music will follow.

At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be "What Is Hell?" Come early and listen to our choir practice.

Eight new choir robes are currently needed due to the addition of several new members and to the deterioration of some older ones.

Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles and other items to be recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children.

Please place your donation in the envelope along with the deceased person you want remembered.

The church will host an evening of fine dining, super entertainment and gracious hostility.

Potluck supper Sunday at 5:00 PM - prayer and medication to follow.

The ladies of the Church have cast off clothing of every kind. They may be seen in the basement on Friday afternoon.

This evening at 7 PM there will be a hymn singing in the park across from the Church. Bring a blanket and come prepared to sin.

Ladies Bible Study will be held Thursday morning at 10 AM. All ladies are invited to lunch in the Fellowship Hall after the B. S. is done.

The pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the congregation would lend him their electric girdles for the pancake breakfast next Sunday.


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Betty Explains Prayer

Low Self Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 PM. Please use the back door

The eighth-graders will be presenting Shakespeare's Hamlet in the Church basement Friday at 7PM. The congregation is invited to attend this tragedy.

Weight Watchers will meet at 7 PM at the First Presbyterian Church. Please use large double door at the side entrance.

The Associate Minister unveiled the church's new tithing campaign slogan last Sunday: "I Upped My Pledge -- Up Yours"

Barbara remains in the hospital and needs blood donors for more transfusions. She is also having trouble sleeping and requests tapes of Pastor Jack's sermons.

Bertha Belch, a missionary from Africa will be speaking tonight at Calvary Memorial Church in Racine. Come tonight and hear Bertha Belch all the way from Africa.

Irving Benson and Jessie Carter were married on October 24 in the church. So ends a friendship that began in their school days.

Our next song is "Angels We Have Heard Get High."

The Rev. Adams spoke briefly, much to the delight of his audience.

Thursday at 5:00 p.m. there will be a meeting of the Little Mothers Club. All wishing to become little mothers, please see the minister in his study.

This being Easter Sunday, we will ask Mrs. Lewis to come forward and lay an egg on the altar.

Members of the Quorum of the Twelve Apostates...
One of the students involved was in tears over it.  A story
 on the web site stated this was the first time in more than
30 years that the paper had to trash an edition.

Source SLTRIB.COM:  BYU's Universe reprints issues of
 The Daily Universe due to front page typo.

Oxymoron: General Authority

How Many Christians does it take to change a church light bulb ?

Charismatic: Only 1 - Hands are already in the air.

Pentecostal: 10 - One to change the bulb, and nine to pray against the spirit of darkness.

Presbyterians: None - Lights will go on and off at predestined times.

Roman Catholic: None - Candles only. (Of guaranteed origin of course.)

Baptists: At least 15 - One to change the light bulb, and three committees to approve the change and decide who brings the potato salad and fried chicken.

Episcopalians: 3 - One to call the electrician, one to mix the drinks, and one to talk about how much better the old one was.

Mormons: 5 - One man to change the bulb, and four wives to tell him how to do it.

Unitarians: We choose not to make a statement either in favor of or against the need for a light bulb. However, if in your own journey you have found that light bulbs work for you, you are invited to write a poem or compose a modern dance about your light bulb for the next Sunday service, in which we will explore a number of light bulb traditions, including incandescent, fluorescent, LED, 3-way, long-life and tinted, all of which are equally valid paths to luminescence.

Methodists: Undetermined - Whether your light is bright, dull, or completely out, you are loved. You can be a light bulb, turnip bulb, or tulip bulb. Bring a bulb of your choice to the Sunday lighting service and a covered dish to pass.

Nazarene: 6 - One woman to replace the bulb while five men review church lighting policy.

Lutherans: None - Lutherans don't believe in change.

Amish: What's a light bulb?

Reports: 2 shot dead, 7 hurt at Wichita wake
WICHITA, Kan. Police say two people were killed and seven injured in a shooting at a wake in southeastern Wichita.

Deputy Police Chief Robert Lee tells The Wichita Eagle and KAKE-TV that all the victims of Saturday night's shooting were adults. He did not know their ages or genders.

One victim was reported in critical condition and four others were in serious condition.

Lee says the shooting occurred around 9:30 p.m. during a wake at someone's house. He could not say how many shooters were involved but says some of the shots came from outside.

Police are looking for a pickup truck seen leaving the home. No arrests have been made.

Police did not immediately return phone calls from The Associated Press.


       Catholic Health Insurance...
A man suffered a serious heart attack and had open heart bypass surgery...
He awakened from the surgery to find himself in the care of nuns at a Catholic Hospital.

As he was recovering, a nun asked him questions regarding how he was going to pay for his treatment.

She asked if he had health insurance.

He replied, in a raspy voice, 'No health insurance.'

The nun asked if he had any money in the bank.

He replied. 'No money in the bank.'

The nun asked, 'Do you have a relative who could help you?'

He said, 'I only have a spinster sister, who is a nun..'

The nun became agitated and announced loudly, 'Nuns are not spinsters! Nuns are married to God.'

The patient replied, 'Send the bill to my Brother-in-Law.'

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is the language spoken in Heaven. 
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